I know, I know...

So, I am a terrible blogger. I just checked and my last post was September 9th...geez! Since then we have had Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and I have turned the big 3-0. Yup, I am now 30 years old and no longer "in my twenties". And to be honest, I am glad to have that day behind me. We had a big party with lots of friends and family and it was great. And even better, I don't really feel any different at 30 than I did at 29. I didn't figure I would but it's nice to know for sure.

One thing that I get to experience each time I have a birthday is that a new year is always a week away which means I get a brand new start. Starting a new year of my life and a new year in general. I just wish I was better at actually making changes that stick :-(

This year, I am not making a long list of things to do in 2010. There's only one thing I hope to accomplish by this time next year...to not be in the same situation that I am currently in. I haven't quite figured out what that's going to look like but I just know that I don't want to have the same feeling about my life then that I do now. And to be honest, that's the biggest challenge I have ever given myself for a new year. So, I lift my can of Coca-Cola to you and say "here's to making it happen this year!"

Hopefully it won't be another 3 months before I write again. Maybe the task of writing every day is too much, so I'll shoot for at least once a week.

XOXO~Nichole

I have to write every day???

WOW!!! What a day. I.Am.Totally.Whipped!!! I covered for two of my co-workers today, plus tried to handle my own work load and I think my brain is still spinning. Not much writing will be done tonight, but at least I am here!

I did discover today that I am beginning to become addicted to Twitter, the same way I used to be addicted to Myspace and then Facebook. What will be the next "it" social networking site? Maybe I should create it. Hmmmmm......nah, too tired.

XOXO~nichole

Write every day

So, I have a new goal and that is to write at least a little every day. Today I am feeling a bit introverted, which is very uncommon for me, so I don't feel that I have a lot to offer in the form of written words. It's more that I am trying to figure some things out that I hope to be able to write about tomorrow. For now, all I really know is that something is happening. Something is stirring. A part of me that has been asleep, or maybe just to afraid to face the light of truth, is slowly starting to make it's way to the surface. And I'll be honest, it terrifies to my very core.



If there is anything that I do know about myself, it's this....I don't know how to do things that are right for me. Almost every decision I have made over the last, I don't know, 15 years of my life have been made with someone else in mind. From big decisions like getting married (that one was made in order to somehow "save" my now husband from himself) to the color of my hair. It seems really silly but it's true. I have always been labeled, and rightfully so, a text book people pleaser. My identity comes from how people react to me when I do or say what I know that want me to do or say. What a sad and lonely way to live life. Even the fact that I was very popular in school and church I think comes down to the fact that I know what people want to hear and what kind of person they want to be around. The sad thing is that I honestly had myself convinced, for quite some time, that being a people pleaser was a good thing. In fact, I took it as God's calling on my life. That the fact that I was able to adapt to almost every personality type and almost every life situation meant that God could really use me to reach others. And He has, don't get me wrong, but at what cost? Here I am, at almost 30 years old and I honestly have a very faint idea of who I really am as a person. How does that happen? How do you get to this point in your life and feel like a complete stranger to yourself? I look around at this life that I live, and honestly it's not a bad one at all, and I feel like a total stranger. I feel as though every le singthing I do every day of my life is a lie because I know that I am not living the life I should be living. I am a fraud. I am an impostor. I am posing as a 29 year old, fairly successful woman that lives in a nice house, drives a decent car and is married to a decent enough guy. I have a great family that I am close with and I have great friends that I love very much. And yet, somehow, it all feels fake. I walk through this house and it doesn't feel like home. I talk to my husband and try to live a normal life and yet he feels like a total stranger. I spend time with my friends and family but at the same time, I feel as though they really have no idea who I really am.

Very few people know that I want to be a writer more than just about anything in this world. In fact, very few of them even know I write. When I do finally let out some of the thoughts and dreams that I keep locked up tight inside, their mouths say "you should really pursue that" but their eyes indicate that they are laughing at me on the inside.



If I were to be honest with myself, I think that even as a small child I knew I wanted to be a writer and a story teller. I mean, I spent half of my childhood making up stories just to entertain myself because frankly, I was bored out of my mind! I think that if anyone had actually taken even a moment to look at the patterns I was exhibiting, they would have realized that I was just full of stories waiting to get out. But, because no one taught me how to tap in to that part of myself, it came out in the form of constant rapid talking and lies. Not lies intended to get myself into or out of trouble, really, but lies that accomplished nothing other than having something to say and talk about. If someone had at any point given me pen and paper and said "Here, write out whatever you are thinking about, no matter how silly it sounds", who knows how I would have ended up. But it was just assumed that I was one of those kids that made up stories. It was a part of myself that I was conditioned to do away with and break myself of. It's a shame, really.



I'm not really sure why all of this is starting to dawn on me, to be honest. I wasn't really seeking an understanding of that particular part of my life but I can honestly say that I think that is where the problem really started. I was conditioned to stop being who I really was, which was an extremely creative kid with lots to say, and made to feel like I should be a more "realistic" kid.



God, can any of this be undone? Can this part of myself be fixed? I sure hope so.



That's all for now, I am sure there will be more tomorrow.



God Bless~Nichole

Entering the world of blogging...

...late, just like I do everything else in my life! So, it's 2009 and I am JUST NOW jumping on the crazy train that is blogging. Why you ask? Because I am about two steps behind everyone else...always! But, I figure, I love to write and have been neglecting that part of myself so why not, right? Just jump out there and do it. So, here it goes...

I was going to take this opportunity to tell a little (ok, alot) about myself and where I am coming from and what I hope to accomplish with this here blog but my mind is elsewhere tonight so I will come back to that. No one will be reading this for a while (or possibly ever) so that part might not actually count anyway. I want to talk about the movie I watched tonight instead and how it made me feel.

I watched Nick and Nora's Infinate Playlist tonight (see, I told you...two steps behind everyone). I recorded it about a week or so ago and just sat down long enough to watch it. I was attracted to it from the previews because it seemed to be about people that really love music, which they do. And since I am a music lover, I figured it would be right up my alley. And it was, but for a much different reason. I love a good love story and am always swept away by the idea that you can meet someone and have an instant attraction, an attraction that is so obvious that the people around you can't help but comment on the fact that there is something between you two. I think we are all drawn to this idea because frankly, it makes it easy. Easy to pick someone, easy to feel that you've made the right choice, easy to trust that what you are feeling is real and that it will turn into a love that is safe and comfortable. This, my friends, is not reality. Or is it.

I have only had this happen to me twice in my almost 30 (gulp) years. Both times it was obvious that there was something there but circumstances prevented it from growing into what it could be. The truth of the matter is this...sometimes, no matter how wise we think we are and no matter how hard we try to make the right choice, sometimes we take our own road instead of God's and end up with the wrong person. We miss our soulmate. And this is a very, very lonely place to be.

As I watched the movie tonight, I couldn't help but wish for two things...the first was to be in my early twenties again, so that I could live the carefree type of life that they did in the movie. The second was that I had allowed God to direct me to "the one" He had set aside for me, instead of getting impatient and taking matters into my own hands. Which, let me tell you, almost NEVER works!!

This blog may not turn into anything other than a place for me to record the craziness that swirls around in my head everyday. Maybe it will turn into the thing that actually motivates me to write the book that I know God wants me to write but that I have been too scared to start working on. Or maybe, just maybe, it will be a place that someone, even if just one person, stumbles upon and learns a thing or two about how to look out for themselves in this world and how to live a little more like He wants us to.

For now, good night.
Nichole